181 Quotes by Jack Handy

When we were growing up, old man jenkins would never fail to come out every morning to nail tadpoles to a wheel, spin it around and around, like a wheel of fortune, and then say, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is the winner!" We all thought he was crazy, but then, we had some growing up to do.

Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of murder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not as similar as you might think.

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Anybody who has an identity problem had better wise up and get with the program!

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.