181 Quotes by Jack Handy

Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.

It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap snap, an angel gets set on fire.

One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

One thing vampire children are taught is, never run with a wooden stake

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. - Deep Thoughts ( Saturday Night Live)

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. ""Oh, no,"" I said. ""Disneyland burned down."" He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse