181 Quotes by Jack Handy

I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.

I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar.

I bet for an Indian, shooting an old fat pioneer woman in the back with an arrow, and she fires her shotgun into the ground as she falls over, is like the top thing you can do.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.

I hate it when people say somebody has a ""speech impediment"", even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a ""speech improvement"", and I go up to the guy and say, ""Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement."" I think this makes him feel better.

If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.