504 Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.

The human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.

I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained.

Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in the world... 1400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go.

No encounter, mouth open up ... that is how the drug businesses see the general public.

I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist.

A dog will stay stupid. That's why we love them so much. The entire time we know them, they're idiots. Think of your dog. Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He has no idea how you accomplish this every day. You walk in the door; the joy of this experience overwhelms him. He looks at you, He's back. It's that guy, that same guy. He can't believe it. Everything is amazing to your dog. Another can of food? I don't believe it.

I've compiled a book from the Internet. It's a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people.

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.