504 Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

we are all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf or skydiving. What matters is when the red light comes on.Jerry Seinfeld to Michael Richards in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

We are all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf or skydiving. What matters is when the red light comes on.- to Michael Richards in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

I am a very organized person. I get up at 6:15 a.m., the kids get up at 6:45 a.m., and so I get up and get it in. I’m addicted to the high function. To me it’s a work thing -- if you meditate, you can get so much work done. I always say to people you know how about three nights a year you get a good night sleep? You can have it every day with meditation.

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.

I have this old '57 Porsche Speedster, and the way the door closes, I'll just sit there and listen to the sound of the latch going, 'cluh-CLICK-click.' That door! I live for that door. Whatever the opposite of planned obsolescence is, that's what I'm into.

The only way a show works is you find people who you think are qualified and talented and you give them a chance to do what they do.

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

We’re all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf, or skydive in, it doesn’t matter. What matters is when the red light [camera] comes on.