504 Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.

Folks who go through the tabloids ought to have to be lied to.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'

People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.

Let's face it, the human body is like a condominium apartment. The thing that keeps you really enjoying it is the maintenance. There's a tremendous amount of daily, weekly, monthly and yearly work that has to be done. From showering to open heart surgery, we're always doing something to ourselves. If your body was a used car, you wouldn't buy it.

I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.

Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.

Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"