504 Quotes by Jerry Seinfeld

  • Author Jerry Seinfeld
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    What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.

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  • Author Jerry Seinfeld
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    There is no such thing as an attention span. There is only the quality of what you are viewing. This whole idea of an attention span is, I think, a misnomer. People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.

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  • Author Jerry Seinfeld
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    I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, 'Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye.'

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  • Author Jerry Seinfeld
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    Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.

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  • Author Jerry Seinfeld
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    The greatest Jewish tradition is to laugh. The cornerstone of Jewish survival has always been to find humor in life and in ourselves.

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  • Author Jerry Seinfeld
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    Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one’s really sure how to do it.

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  • Author Jerry Seinfeld
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    A chef who doesn’t wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It’s a cry for help.

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