149 Quotes by Jimmy Carr

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

Say what you want about the deaf...

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, 'Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?' I said, 'All right, but we won't get much done.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other...

I, of course, don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they are pronounced properly.

How many airports are there in the world?

Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it