149 Quotes by Jimmy Carr

I think they got it wrong with Saddam Hussein. They thought he had the A-Bomb. Instead he had a bomb.

When people come over to my house for dinner, I always have a vegetarian option. They can make do, or they can **** off!

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

Staying in luxury hotels still gives me a kick, especially Oulton Hall in Yorkshire. I'd stay in a hotel for the breakfast and room service.

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.