619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.

Life does not measure up to performing... Performing is perfect.

On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own.

Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.

Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.