619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

I was so ugly that my parents sent my picture to 'ripley's believe it or not' - they sent it back and said, "we don't believe it."

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

I get what he meant. He thought about shooting the guy, and that's good enough for me.

I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

He is so short, he may be here today. Look under the tables.

Why women don't blink during foreplay... not enough time.