619 Quotes by Joan Rivers

Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!

My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.

Remember a few years ago when they left Bea Arthur out of the death reel at the Oscars? Bea Arthur! How did they leave Bea Arthur out? She was in Mame; she was in All in the Family; she was in Maude; she was a Golden Girl, for God's sake! Bea was not only one of Hollywood's leading ladies, she was one of Hollywood's leading men!

And since we're all adults here, let's be brutally honest-most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they're weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.

Dont talk to me about Valentines Day. At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!

Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.