226 Quotes by Johnny Carson

In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.

It was so hot today I saw a robin dipping his worm in Nestea.It was so hot today I saw a pigeon walking in the shadow of Orson Welles.It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself.

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

The Champagne they have stored is getting more valuable every year.

Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!!