226 Quotes by Johnny Carson

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."

The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it's ear.

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

I can't say I ever wanted to become an entertainer. I already was one, sort of-around the house, at school, doing my magic tricks, throwing my voice and doing Popeye impersonations. People thought I was funny; so I kind of took entertaining for granted It was inevitable that I'd start giving little performances.

There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it, he said, "It was all right but I liked the book better."

I couldn't care less what anybody says about me. I live my life, especially my personal life, strictly for myself.... Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized. I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called “sucking up to the stars.

Maybe we should hold the next [Olympic] games in Afghanistan and hope the Soviets pull out of that one too.