287 Quotes by Louis C. K.

I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?'

You can figure out how bad a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited... and for me it was between the two buildings going down... I had to do it, otherwise they'd win.

America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.

Why can't we have racism that's ignorant but nice? You could have stereotypes that are positive about race. You could say, "Those Chinese people, they can fly!" "You know about the Puerto Ricans? They're made of candy!"

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, "What's wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I know! Damn it! Argh!"

A household name is like ketchup. Everybody wants ketchup. Ketchup doesn't hurt anybody.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

The only road to good shows is bad ones. Just go start having a bad time, and if you don't give up, you will get better.