287 Quotes by Louis C. K.

Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.

Out of the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead. There are way more dead people, and you're all gonna die and then you're gonna be dead for way longer than you're alive. Like that's mostly what you're ever gonna be. You're just dead people that didn't die yet.

When my kids were younger, I used to avoid them. I used to sit on the toilet 'til my legs fell asleep. You want to know why your father spends so long in the toilet? Because he's not sure he wants to be a father.

People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not.

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I'm seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

I found out that I'm a pretty bad father. I make a lot of mistakes and I don't know what I'm doing. But my kids love me. Go figure.

It's hard to know where your thoughts come from, especially when you have a thirst for material because you need it professionally.

I ate too much and masturbated too recently, you know? It's bad to like jerk off and run out the door, 'cause you run into somebody. "Oh, she knows..." You got to take some time alone to process the shame.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.