654 Quotes by Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of following my dream, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going then hook up with 'em later

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign,’ just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...

I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender.... all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well, that's a fresher....I'm going on break.

I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptable.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.