200 Quotes by Patton Oswalt

I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out of me with steel pipes.

I want to experience as many different tastes, sights, emotions, conflicts, and cultures as possible, so that I can expand the canvas of my memory and enrich my comedy.

Does anyone act more like an overserious senior citizen with time running out on their chance for immortality than someone in their twenties?

I'm sitting at the bar, rearranging the order of my jokes. I'm under the delusion that I'm having bad shows because of some cosmic misalignment of words, phrases, and ideas. I may as well have cast runes into a spirit bowl, hoping that the collective heart of the audience would open to my necromantic call. Maybe that's how jugglers do it. Those guys never have shitty sets.

People will find transformation and transcendence in a McDonald's hash brown if it's all they've got.

The great ones show you what you can get away with. The shitty ones remind you what never to bother with.

Zombies can't believe the energy we waste on nonfood pursuits.

If someone like this were to like me, to like my comedy, and to like the way I conduct myself professionally, it would mean that I suck as a person.

hobos' (a slang term that combines the words 'hope' and 'bowl of beans given to me for free by a woman who then initiated intercourse')