138 Quotes by Paula Poundstone

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

I don't need a holiday or a feast to feel grateful for my children, the sun, the moon, the roof over my head, music, and laughter, but I like to take this time to take the path of thanks less traveled.

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether they see a moth or an axe-murderer.

My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'

I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.

When we save the rain forest, the polar bear, and Al Gore, we should party so hard that Canada calls the cops on us for noise.

When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.

When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.