339 Quotes by Rita Rudner

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on brown envelopes.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

I'll never understand why people go to movie theaters to have conversations. Going to the movies to talk is like going to a restaurant to cook. The idea is that you have paid your money to have someone do something better than you can do it yourself.