339 Quotes by Rita Rudner

I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience.

Oh, my God. I've just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I'm going to have to kill you now.

If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention.

My new dress. Do you like it? It's from my favorite designer, On Sale.

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

Men hate to lose. I beat my husband once at tennis. I asked him, "Will we ever make love again?" He said, "Yes.... but not with each other.

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to.

Now that we've got the East-West All-Star game here, don't you think there's the possibility that someday we'll have our own team?