339 Quotes by Rita Rudner

My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.

Never take candy from strangers.

I can see close up and my husband can see far away, so we're covered. He tells me who's in the movie and I tell him what's in his sandwich. Together we're human bifocals.

My father watched football with the sound off because he lived in fear of hearing the voice of Howard Cosell.

There is a woman who swam around Manhattan, and I asked her, why? She said, it hadn't ever been done before. Well, she didn't have to do that. If she wanted to something no one had ever done before, all she had to do was vacuum my apartment.

All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for a list of names.

Men don't live well by themselves. They don't even live like people. They live like bears with furniture.

Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.

The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about anyone else.