339 Quotes by Rita Rudner

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Men who write love letters don't live in this century.

Wives are people who think it's against the law not to answer the phone when it rings.

Los Angeles is a very transient town. It's the only place I know where you can actually rent a dog.

I was a ballerina. I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn't mine...

I worry about Las Vegas schools. I hear in math, they only teach them to count to 21.

I rationalize shop. I buy a dress because I need change for gum.

Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome.

Waiters and waitresses are becoming nicer and much more caring. I used to pay my check, they would say "Thank you." That's now escalated into "You care care of yourself, now." The other day I paid my check and the waiter said, "Don't put off that mammogram."