339 Quotes by Rita Rudner

I have been doing leg lifts faithfully for about fifteen years, and the only thing that has gotten thinner is the carpet where I have been doing the leg lifts.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost?

Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.