218 Quotes by Robert Orben

I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately, there's never one around.

It's an awful thing to grow old by yourself. My wife hasn't had a birthday in seven years.

I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do it - after all, they've already given us tasteless bread.

As much as we admire all the characteristics of a Ronald Reagan, as soon as something goes wrong, people will hate those same characteristics.

THe world now has so many problems that if Moses had come down from Mount Sinai today, the two tablets he'd carry would be aspirin.

All that means is that something devastating can happen to you today or to your family & all you can do is cry about it or panic or just be grief-stricken about it; but a year or two from now or maybe ten years from now, or maybe two months or two days, you might be able to see the humor in that problem.

I don't want to say anything about my kids...but I go to PTA meetings under an assumed name!

Thanks to modern medicine we are no longer forced to endure prolonged pain, disease, discomfort and wealth.

Noise pollution is a relative thing. In a city, it's a jet plane taking off. In a monastery, it's a pen that scratches.