569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I'm gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark...

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

At certain times I like sex - like after a cigarette.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.