569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

I'll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

What a doctor I've got - he's really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

My sex life is like shooting pool with a rope!

When I was born I brought no joy, my father said he wanted a boy!