569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

What a childhood I had - I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.