569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

At my age I'm envious of a stiff wind.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.