569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.