149 Quotes by Spike Milligan

Waiting for the operation, there was a gentle tap on the door.In came a strapping nurse. 'Good morning', she shrilled, whipped back the bedclothes, upped with his nightshirt, grabbed his willy, lathered furiously around it till it looked like the Eddystone Lighthouse in a storm, then shaved the whole area till it looked like an oven-ready chicken.'Excuse me, nurse', said Looney, 'why did you knock?

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Well, he thought, you can fool some of the people all the time and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be President of the United States, and on that useless profundity, Milligan himself pedalled on, himself, himself.

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.