24 Quotes by Steve Bates

What if I told thou that I come from the future. A future beyond thy imagination, where the colonies rebel against the British and gain their independence, where slavery be outlawed, where immigrants stream into the land and manufacture refrigerator magnets by the millions?

I have discovered that mortality is a boon as well as a curse. Knowing that you will die makes you appreciate each day that you are alive.

You see, in my time, no one eats real meat anymore. Much of the food tastes like quinoa that’s been pummeled by days of acid rain, because that’s what it is.

The only thing on Chris’s mind was the wish that he had brought some spare undergarments on this outing.

My name be...Crisco, " ad-libbed Wade. " The Count of Monty Crisco, to be precise.

You have to be out of your mind. What kind of clinic lets people operate on themselves?” “Well, Suture Self.” 

If you don’t mind my asking, why would a demon be concerned about appearances? Aren’t you all about killing, maiming, and torturing?”“That’s the kind of stereotyping that has afflicted demons for billions of years. Don’t you think some of us want to branch out, to explore other options?”“It never occurred to me.”“Yes, we obtain great satisfaction from killing and maiming and torturing. But there’s a lot of competition these days for the torturing thing. So many physical therapists around.” 

My mom said the moon landing was faked,” said Eddie. “But she also said she saw Jackie Kennedy, Jimmy Hoffa, Elvis and Bigfoot at the IHOP out by the interstate. Elvis picked up the check.

Glorious Leader, we are approaching the galaxy known as the Milky Way,” reported the navigator.“The one named after a candy bar. How silly those Earthlings are.