113 Quotes by Tim Vine

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him, ‘Don’t be Sicily’.