330 Quotes by W. C. Fields

Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

I've been drunk only once in my life. But that lasted for twenty-three years.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.