I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. "Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally, I think its bollocks!!

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?