So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

Why are there no windows in the toilets on aeroplanes? To protect you from the most dedicated perverts on the planet, hanging off the wing to get a peep?

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it's folded.

A fart is just your arse applauding.

On George W Bush: That man sits at that desk in the White House with the button that can end the world. My father's younger than him and we don't give him the controls for the television.

Now the country is in a terrible state and you've blamed it on a number of things - unemployment rate, the value of the pound, and all that. It's actually because the national anthem is boring.

When you involved in an accident and someone asks "are you alright?" Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.