He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke.

One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.

Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.

What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.

All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.

How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?

When it comes to being famous, you’re usually the last to know, and the first to deny it. Unless you were already famous in your head. In which case, party on, Wayne! Party on, Garth!

Luck is the bastard child of Fate and Destiny.

Today I feel like I did tomorrow.