My heart keeps beating twice my pace and I’m worried about what?I.do.not.know but the anxiety is creeping up and my chest tightens and I lock myself in the bathroom to breathe. I escape wherever whoever I’m with when this happens and I still don’t know why it keeps happening but it does and I just get so fucking sad and worried and unstill and I can’t stop it.

I wanted to say all these things about how you just have to hold on to the things you love and let go of all the rest.

Take a shower, wash off the day. Drink a glass of water. Make the room dark. Lie down and close your eyes.Notice the silence. Notice your heart. Still beating. Still fighting. You made it, after all. You made it, another day. And you can make it one more. You’re doing just fine.

I once lay in a hospital myselfpraying to keep myself aliveand I’ve lain on several grounds tooand I know for a factit’s not very differentpraying to get to stay aliveand praying to want tostay alive.

I didn’t love my life but now I do. I’m sure I will fall out of love with it again at some point but I’m confident I will go to therapy and work it out and fall back in love with it.

Freedom is a privilege that can suffocate you if you don’t know how to handle it and on days like this I don’t know how to handle it.

I was a flower that bloomed and sparked way too fast. He took me in ’cause I was pretty in all kinds of colors but way too soon I stood on his table sad and dried up. I forgot to nourish myself and the sun never shone from my sky.

So I was a stone in the sea. Gravity gave up on keeping me above the surface. I did not try to swim and so I sank to the bottom with no will to turn back. ”I’m tired,” I told him. ”I’m done”.But he wouldn’t let me and he held me up even on his hardest days and he was a lighthouse when all I saw was darkness.

I took him to the river and said “let’s watch something drown,” So he took a stoneand I took my necklaceand we threw it all together,the way I always think I will get better in July. Things will change and sounds won’t acheand I gave my heart to uncertainty so many times, and so I took him to the river,threw the necklace in the river to slowly watch it drown, or burn, or fade awaylike I’ve done so many times.