I don’t need a personal trainer… I need someone to stalk me and threaten to kick my ass when I eat and drink stuff I’m not supposed to!

They are not grey roots! This is my new fifty shades of grey OMBRE hairstyle!

It's tough being AWESOME all the time, but the kids need someone to look up to!

How is it that food STILL contains calories that make you gain weight in the 21st CENTURY?! It’s like scientists aren’t even trying!

A domesticated man makes my lady parts beep!

If one door closes and another door opens, chances are your house is haunted.

I’d like to THANK the genius who saw a bunch of cherries and thought....HEY!! If I dry out a bunch of those berry seeds, call them “BEANS”, smash them and add hot water, it will be AWESOME!!!!

Growing up is the dumbest thing I ever wanted to rush into.

I suffer from CLAUSTROPHOBIA, a fear of closed spaces.For example, I’m petrified that the WINE store will be closed before I have time to get there!!!