This was a true pants-pooping moment.

I mean, were you born a freak?” I asked. I flinched at my own words. I didn’t mean to be rude it just came out that way. The girl rolled her eyes to me. “I don’t know. Were you born stupid?” Okay, maybe I deserved that. “Yeah, probably.

What happened next… well, I'm going to blame it on the fact that I was scared. And I had just flown or fallen or something through about eighty years worth of Time. Or maybe it was the beans. I farted. I farted loud enough that it echoed around the small closet, bounced off all four walls and finally escaped through the open door. At least that's what it did in my mind's eye.

I had read once that dumb people didn't know they were dumb. They thought they were just as smart as anybody else. That was a very unsettling thought. What if I was really dumb and didn't know it?

I shrieked like a little girl, which, if you think about it, makes total sense.

A stealthy ninja monkey she was not.

I figured I only had about two seconds to live. It’s amazing how many thoughts you can have in two seconds.

That was when things got weird. You may have thought things were weird already, but this was uber-weird

And that’s basically the end of this story. I know it sounds unbelievable and all. And I’m not saying I can explain all the time travel parts or the magical tattoo parts. You may not even believe me. That’s okay, though. I know it happened and that’s all that counts.