21 Quotes by Doug Stanhope about funny

  • Author Doug Stanhope
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    They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

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  • Author Doug Stanhope
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    If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

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  • Author Doug Stanhope
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    All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!

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  • Author Doug Stanhope
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    Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

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  • Author Doug Stanhope
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    Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

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  • Author Doug Stanhope
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    I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

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  • Author Doug Stanhope
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    Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

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