I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'