I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: 'A truck!'

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.