Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.

I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun..

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady...take your purse.'