What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

I was in the Far East and I went into a restaurant and I ordered octopus and the waiter said: "It takes four hours." I asked why and he said: "It keeps turning off the gas."

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

The council in Blackpool have given the homeless bus passes, but how would they know where to get off?

My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.