I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

Frank once slipped something into the pocket of a luggage handler at the airport and said: "Have a drink on me." The luggage handler later found out it was a tea bag.

I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."

I bought these shoes in Taiwan, and they said in the inside "made around the corner."

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.