This is Frank Carson, News at Ten, Sober.

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

Did you know you can have an Irish abortion, but there is a 12 month waiting list?

A traffic policeman stops Sister Bridget for speeding. She pulls into the side of the road and winds down her window. The officer walks round and starts undoing his fly. "Oh dear," she says, "Not the breathalyser again."

The Irish Six Million Dollar man only cost three quid.

A man walked into a shop and asked, "How much are your eggs?" He said "£1.40 a dozen". He then asked: "How much are your cracked ones?" He said: "35p". He said: "Crack us four dozen."

I was going up to the bathroom and a woman asked me: "Have you a good memory for faces?" I asked why and she said: "Because there isn't a mirror up there."

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."