Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.