Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"