My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

Swimming is good for you, especially if you're drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout but also you don't die.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.